erection, fantasizing, homiesexual, massage, masturbation, nudity, parents, roommates

Frank Answers Briefly More About Male Body Issues

This post continues the brief answers about male body and sexual issues begun in Frank Answers Briefly About Male Body Issues. That archived post was getting too long so I moved the questions and answers given in 2021 to this new post. More questions are invited as we continue into 2021. I’ll see if answers are available.

Content

Erection on the Massage Table – May 6, 2021

Nude Roommate Masturbates to Porn – April 24, 2021

Crucifixion Erection – March 29, 2021

Excursus on St. Augustine and Erections

Having Sex With Parents Nearby – February 29, 2021

Homiesexual Boys on Tik Tok – February 19, 2021

Sexual Fantasizing – January 13, 2021

I wonder if Frank would have an answer…

Erection on Massage Table

May 6, 2021

Question: As a young gay guy I really enjoy your blog and appreciate your openness on many issues about the body and sexuality. When I read your blog post about massage I thought I’d like to get one when that’s possible (obviously not during the coronavirus pandemic). But I have a question. What happens if you get an erection during the massage? Is that normal? Sometimes I can’t control myself, and I worry I may enjoy it too much, if you know what I mean…

Frank answers: You should get a massage when that becomes possible again. Actually, in some places it is possible. Responsible massage therapists will wear masks and require their clients to do so also. They will wash sheets used on the massage table with disinfectant and wipe down surfaces like door handles. I’ve had a couple of massages so far this year from a massage therapist I have gone to for many years and whom I know to be professional and responsible.

Massage is good therapy for your body if you’ve been tense. This pandemic has created anxieties we may not be consciously aware of but are held in the body. You’re concerned about getting an erection. Well, erections are known to happen because the massage is helping your blood circulation (which also flows to your penis) and when you’re lying face down your penis rubs against the massage table.

Quite frankly, massage is sensuous. You have a lot of erogenous zones throughout your body from head to foot, not just your penis, and the massage therapist is likely to press on several of them (they can be different in different bodies). If you get an erection, don’t worry about it. Professional massage therapists have seen them before and are they are used to dealing with them (mostly by ignoring them).

Anyway, why should a guy be worried about getting an erection. It’s a sign that things are healthy down there. You’re in the privacy of the massage studio, not out in public, and there is therapist-patient confidentiality. There are a lot of men with erectile dysfunction who have difficulty getting an erection. You should be grateful that erections come easily to you. If by “enjoying it too much” you mean having a spontaneous ejaculation, your massage therapist might have seen that before too and if it happens it will add to the release of all the tension in your body. On the other hand, if none of this happens (which is likely), you can still enjoy the massage.

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Speaking man to man, as one who has had a lot of experience with massage — experiencing different modalities in different countries — , you should find a male massage therapist. I’d even recommend a gay massage therapist whether you’re gay or straight. Gay men know and love the male body. They know what they like for themselves and will show that to their clients. I’ve experienced a couple of good female massage therapists. But male massage therapists have added strength. You don’t want just a rub down for relaxation. You want someone who does deep tissue and trigger point release to really relax those tense muscles and expel the toxins.

You also want someone who will allow you to be nude on the massage table so that no muscles are missed and long strokes can be given without being impeded by draping. A warm blanket can come later when you’re body is cooling down. If nudity produces an erection, the massage therapist won’t be surprised, and if you happen to ejaculate, he will just get a hot wet towel and wipe you off. I say go for it.

How to find a massage therapist

You can check out day spas or massage studios in your area online to see if they have a male massage therapist. Some private massage therapists, like mine, have their own studio and web site. Or you can go on masseurfinder and look for private massage therapists in your area. The site includes what they write about themselves and what kind of reviews they have received. It sub-divides into therapeutic, sensual, and erotic massages. My advice to a young guy who hasn’t received a professional massage before is to begin with therapeutic or sensual. You want a massage that is more about the whole body than just a sexual experience. In a therapeutic or erotic massage the massage therapist might also join the client in being nude. But nothing is going to happen in any massage that you don’t want to happen.

If you find a massage therapist who seems like a good fit for you, stay with him. He will get to know your body and you will get to know his routine so that you can relax when you go to see him, knowing what to expect. I hope you do have a professional massage experience and find a massage therapist who is right for you.

Frank

Nude Roommate Masturbates to Porn

April 25, 2021

Question: I am 18 and just moved into the dormitory. My roommate is open about nudity and he seldom wears anything when in the room. One morning I woke up and he was jerking off on porn, sitting on his bunk. I felt a bit embarrassed but on the other hand I felt aroused. What should I do?

Frank answers: If you’ve not lived in a dorm before, you’ll find that it is a unique experience. At age 18 you are undoubtedly away from home for the first time and now you need to develop a relationship with a guy you didn’t know previously and in a tight living space. You say you were embarrassed by the fact that he masturbated while watching porn while you are present in the next bunk. You also may not be used to someone who enjoys nudity.

First, let’s deal with the fact that your roommate is uninhibited about being nude. The degree to which domestic nudity is accepted differs from one family to another. You are under no obligation to join him in his preference to be unclothed. But I think it’s not possible to be living in close quarters with someone and not see each other naked at some point. I mean, you change clothes and take a shower every day and your roommate is likely to be in the room. Even in the 1960s when I lived in dorms, some roommates were more modest than others; some seemed to have no modesty at all. You will have to figure out to what degree you want to be nude in the room and the two of you will have to accept each other’s preferences.

Second, there is the issue of masturbation. All men do it, and young men do it a lot. I presume you do also. But you’ve probably not seen someone else do it. Again, in close quarters it’s hard to be coy about this. Even if he were jerking off under the covers you would still know what he’s doing. What do you do when you want to jerk off if you don’t want to be seen by your roommate?

There’s a lot of tension to being away from home in college during a pandemic. Masturbation is a form of safe sex that is also tension-relieving and helps one to sleep better at night. One could even regard it as therapeutic in our present pandemic situation.

You could have a discussion with with roommate about this. For example, you could work out an arrangement where one leaves the room when the other has an urge to relieve himself. You could also just ignore him when he is doing it, perhaps by rolling over in your bed so you are not facing him, or burying yourself in a book (as if you would be able to concentrate with your roommate jerking off!). A degree of tolerance would be the best recommendation for getting along.

Most young people also watch porn. That should be considered private viewing unless you want to share something on the screen with each other. You are under no obligation to participate in this pass time with him. Guys have probably always jerked off to porn. Back in my college dorm days we had Playboy and other girlie magazines.

You said that your roommate’s behavior embarrassed you, but you were also aroused. What aroused you? The sight of him masturbating or the porn he was watching or your roommate’s nude body? All three together could be a powerful arousal combination. Maybe you wanted to join him in masturbating at that moment and that’s what has created your conflicting feelings.

Waking up in the morning you’re likely to have a morning erection, which most boys and young men feel an urge to touch. If you wake up and your roommate is jerking off, what would you think about joining him in that activity? My guess is that he wouldn’t object. A lot of boys and young men have had the experience of masturbating together. It’s not necessarily a gay thing, if that would concern you. It’s a guy thing. If you just give into your arousal and join him in jerking off, it might be an icebreaker that would open conversation about some of these issues.

Best of luck in navigating these issues with your roommate and getting to know him better. I hope you have a successful term in college. If you have further questions, please ask.

Pastor Frank

Crucifixion Erection

March 29, 2021

Question: I’m 16 and sometimes when I go to Mass and look at the large crucifix I get an erection. Today at Mass, being Palm Sunday, we heard the whole passion story and thinking about Jesus on the cross really made me horny. At home I sometimes think about Jesus on the cross and I lay spread eagle on my bed as if I were being crucified. As I lay there stretched out thinking about Jesus on the cross I get an erection and, I confess, sometimes I masturbate. Is it sinful to do this when thinking about Jesus? I wonder if Jesus got an erection when he was being crucified… or ever. What do you think you?

Frank answers: Dear sixteen-year old Catholic. I think it is commendable that you go to Mass and focus on the crucified Christ who was hung on that tree as a sacrifice of atonement to reconcile us to God. In your own way you want to identify with Jesus in his suffering. Christians have done this down through the ages by penitential acts and participating in passion plays. They’re doing this to identify with Christ in his suffering as an act of devotion. You’re also meditating on the suffering of Christ in an embodied way, but as a horny teenager.

I think it’s not unusual that a sixteen-year old gets erections and has erotic thoughts. Maybe it happens a dozen or more times a day for you, even in math class. Looking at the figure of a nude adult male body fastened to and exposed on a cross for all the world to see may also produce erotic thoughts. And as a devout Catholic you are encouraged to gaze at that figure. That’s why the crucifix is centrally located above the altar. As you act out that scene in your bedroom you become sexually aroused and seek relief.

Crucifixion of Christ by Dutch painter Anton van Dyke

Since you are a Catholic boy I should point out that masturbation is still considered a venial sin in Catholic teaching. It is in the category of “objectively disordered sex.” That means that self-pleasure is not what ejaculation is intended for, even in marriage. In Catholic teaching sex is only to be used for procreation. But the Church recognizes the force of biology, habit, and our subjective thoughts in its pastoral counsel. You should really have a discussion with your priest about this. In the Catholic catalogue of sexual sins, masturbation is at the bottom. Scripture says nothing about it and theologians through the centuries gave little thought to it. There’s been more concern about sexual practices between two people than solitary sex except in celibate religious communities.

It’s not unheard of for Catholic boys to act out the crucifixion. In the Catholic world some men actually get to act out the crucifixion in passion plays or the way of the cross (Via crucis) during Holy Week and on Good Friday. In 2013 in Chicago’s Hispanic Pilsen community, eighteen-year old Alejandro Aviles got to play the role of Jesus in its annual Via Crucis. Alejandro, perhaps the youngest member of that community to portray Jesus, was hoisted onto the cross semi-naked. With the cold late March wind blowing on his naked body it’s amazing that he didn’t get an erection. But I’m sure he was controlling himself by being totally focused on his role as Jesus.

It’s not sinful to wonder just how human Jesus was. If he was human enough to go through suffering and to die, we are not out of line to ask exactly what he suffered. Romans crucified their victims completely naked, and part of the humiliation of this public torture and execution was that the victim couldn’t control his bodily functions. That included urinating, defecating, getting an erection, and maybe even ejaculating. Artists usually haven’t portrayed Christ totally naked, especially in art that will be displayed in churches, although Michelangelo carved a naked Christ on a crucifix when he was nineteen and sculpted a naked Christ rising from the grave. But he didn’t give Christ an erection. There was a traditional view that just as Christ directed his own crucifixion so he also contained his biological functions. It was the same in ancient Greek sculptures of athletes. They were in control of their bodies. That’s why they were all sculpted with little penises.

We have great difficulty acknowledging Christ’s true manhood. Even the Italian gay artist Vittorio Carvelli didn’t give Jesus an erection in his painting of the crucifixion scene, though the two criminals crucified with Jesus were given erections. Getting an erection was a natural response to having their butts resting on an uncomfortable pole to keep their bodies from slipping down the cross. It was uncomfortable and probably required a lot of wiggling around. The eroticism of the situation cannot be denied. But artists have presented Jesus in control of his body.

I think as you grow older you will also be able to control your erections and hopefully you will also move in your thoughts from the physicality of Christ’s crucifixion to its spiritual depths, although we should never forget that what Christ did “for us and for our salvation,” as we say in the Creed, he did in his body, as St. Athanasius taught in his little book On the Incarnation.

There’s nothing wrong with you embodying your meditation on the crucifixion of Christ. It can be a powerful experience to be actually naked before God—vulnerable and open to whatever arises. God’s blessing on your devotion to the crucified Christ.

Naked meditation – waiting for what arises.

Excursus on St. Augustine and Erections

I can’t resist adding this story from The Confessions of Saint Augustine. This North African church father who later became the bishop of Hippo and one of the greatest theologians in the history of the Church, went to the public baths with his father when he was sixteen. These facilities, built throughout the vast Roman Empire, combined a gymnasium for exercise, pools of various temperature for bathing, and massages with perfumed oil, and the day was spent being nude. You removed your clothes upon entering and put on clean clothes when you departed. Augustine wrote in this autobiographical work (actually addressed to God):

“The brambles of lust grew high above my head and there was no one to root them out, certainly not my father. One day at the public baths he saw the signs of active virility coming to life in me and this was enough to make him relish the thought of having grandchildren. He was happy to tell my mother about it…” (Book II, 3).

Young Augustine admits that his hormones were raging (“the brambles of lust grew high above my head’) and that his father associated what Augustine called “signs of active virility coming to life in me” with procreation. Young Augustine was clearly having an erection in the public baths, perhaps at the sight of so many nude men or the sheer sensuality of the bathing experience. His father saw young Augustine’s erection and happily reported it to his mother. And the future saint wrote about it to tell God and everyone who has read his book over the last 1600 years.

In a later book called The City of God, Augustine was pondering whether Adam and Eve had sexual desire in Paradise, and if not where did this desire come from. In the process of thinking about it he observed that the penis is the one muscle in the body that we can’t control by will power. In Book XIV, chapter 16 he wrote: “Sometimes the impulse is an unwanted intruder, sometimes it abandons the eager lover, and desire cools off in the body while it is at boiling heat in the mind.” In other words, you get erections when you don’t want them and Mr. Penis doesn’t always rise to the occasion when you want it to.

Augustine of Hippo was a horny teenager and into adulthood he never stopped thinking about sex. But he turned out to be one of the great bishops and theologians in the history of the church. For better or for worse he gave the Catholic Church its theology of sex. I recommend him to you as a patron saint.

Pastor Frank

Nude Study by Vittorio Carvelli of a boy in the Roman baths

Having Sex With Parents Nearby

February 28, 2021

Question: My college girlfriend invited me to visit her at home during spring break. Is it shameful to have sex with her parents nearby?

Frank answers: Congratulations on getting invited to your girlfriend’s parent’s home. This must be an important meeting if your girlfriend wants to introduce her boyfriend to her parents during a pandemic. (I assume all of the COVID-19 mitigation issues have been discussed for your visit.) In terms of the question you ask, let me assure you that it’s not an unusual situation. I faced it myself when I was visiting my finance’s family at Christmas many years ago. At that visit we would be announcing our engagement. Since other family members would be arriving for Christmas, the house would be full. But because at the time we were living in two different cities, we were also looking for some private time and space for lovemaking. I tell you this just so you know that I can identify with your situation.

You ask a general moral question perhaps expecting a general moral answer. But questions about having sex always depend on context.

You don’t give me a lot of contextual information to go on. You do tell me that you’re a college student and you’re going to be visiting your college girlfriend in her home. You’re obviously thinking about the possibilities of having sex when you visit her, but with the likelihood that her parents will be in the house. By asking if that would be “shameful” you already have a sense of the complications that situation raises. I am curious, however, as to why you ask if having sex with parents nearby is “shameful” rather than, say, “awkward.” It makes me wonder if some connection between sex and shame was communicated to you, perhaps by your own parents or by your religious tradition.

For whom would having sex with your girlfriend with her parents nearby be shameful? Would having pre-marital sex go against her parents’ moral values? Have you and your girlfriend discussed this issue? If you have not had sex previously, are each of you ready to have sex for the first time with each other in such a tense situation? Or have you already had sex with each other and you’re looking for a way that it can happen again? Is your girlfriend comfortable with having sex with her parents nearby? Her comfort level about this has to be respected.

Also, you are an invited guest in her parents’ home. How should you behave while under their roof? That may be part of the ethical issue you are raising. Also consider that if their daughter is bringing home her boyfriend, her parents will be especially interested in getting to know you. (Is this guy a future son-in-law?)

Where would the sex happen? In her bedroom? In a guest room where you might be sleeping? Would one of you be sneaking into the other’s bedroom at night? How close are these rooms to her parents’ bedroom? Sometimes the walls can be pretty thin. Or would the location for sex be downstairs, say in the living room while her parents are asleep? Does her home have a finished basement family room? Does plotting out how and where you can have sex with your girlfriend’s parents nearby make it seem like you are being sneaky about it so her parents don’t know that the two of you are doing it? Is that what could be “shameful” about the situation?

Squeaky bed springs? Try having sex on the floor with some well-placed cushions.

These are important considerations. Let me say bluntly: Adult children don’t need to tell their parents that they are having sex. But is your girlfriend comfortable telling her parents something like, “You don’t have to make any extra accommodations for my boyfriend’s visit. We’ll sleep together in my room.” Your mother would surely want to know what she has to provide by way of hospitality. Or short of that, your girlfriend could say when you’re in the house, “We’re going to [whatever room] for privacy. Okay?” Your parents would expect that you don’t want to use your time together watching TV with them and they would probably try to stay out of your way. But are there other, especially younger, siblings at home whom you have to maneuver around to have space for intimacy?

There’s nothing inherently shameful about adult couples having sex with other family members nearby, but there are relational issues. In my view even parents with traditional negative attitudes about sex before marriage need to give adult children some leeway on this no matter what they think about it, and they usually do so out of respect for their adult child. Maybe your girlfriend’s parents have some awareness that their daughter and you have been having sex. Parents often guess these things even if their children say nothing about it.

Navigating these situations is always awkward. Whether married or not, couples want privacy when they have sex. Just as it was awkward for your parents to have sex when you were a little kid who was likely to barge in on them, so now it’s awkward for you as young adults to have sex when parents (and other family members) are nearby. So it has been since time immemorial, I suppose. People living in tight quarters always had to be creative strategists to find a time and place to have sex. When it comes to sex in the family compound, privacy has to be respected. On the other hand, trying to have sneaky sex can make it even more erotic. Good luck with that.

Pastor Frank Senn


Homiesexual Boys on Tik Tok

February 19, 2021

Question: Do you watch Tik Tok videos? There are a lot of videos of shirtless Gen Z boys on Tik Tok engaging in homoerotic behavior in their dancing, kisses, and cuddles. I’m sure most of them are straight. Do you think the ease with which boyfriends interact with each other physically helps to mitigate the “toxic masculinity” you wrote about?

Answer: I am a follower of Tik Tok because my daughter, who is a professional singer and musical actress, has found it to be a profitable vehicle for performance during the pandemic when theaters are closed. She has made up songs about current news events and got lots of young adults interested in current issues and even registering to vote. Newsweek found out about her and did an interview. Google Emily Senn or follow her on Tik Tok.

Because I’m a subscriber to Tik Tok because of my daughter, some of the kinds of videos you mention pop up when I check FB notifications. They seem to be mostly boys in their late teens, some of whom have some talent for lip syncing and swaying their hips and pelvis to hip hop songs. They also spend a lot of their video time fussing with their hair. Some of these boys are on Tik Tok Video Boy.

I looked for some examples of success stories and found Jaden Hossler. He’s a 20-year old from Tennessee who was raised in a Christian family and was in musicals in high school. He attracted a following in the millions on Tik Tok in 2019. Influencer Marketing Hub reports that “As of November 2020, Jaden Hossler has more than 8.7 million followers on TikTok, 4.4 million followers on Instagram, 1.7 million followers on Twitter, and 1.29 million subscribers on YouTube.”  He sometimes includes Bryce Hall in his videos. Bryce is a 21-year old from Maryland, who has as of February 2, 2021 a TikTok account with 18.6 million followers and a YouTube channel with 3.46 million subscribers. A number of these 20-year old guys live in a Bel Air mansion in Los Angeles called Sway House and got busted this past summer for holding hard parties in the midst of a pandemic without observing any of the standard social distancing to mitigate infections with COVID-19.

Bryce Hall and Jaden Hossler

I think a lot of high school students got on Tik Tok as a way of dealing with the depression caused by social isolation during the Pandemic. Jaden speaks of teen depression. Bryce speaks of being bullied when he was younger.

Typical of teens is a desire to attract attention and be on the cutting edge. It’s not surprising that straight boys put on gay performances with their boyfriends. Gen Zers grew up in a time when same-sex marriage has been legal. But homosexuals still aren’t generally acceptable by everyone, sometimes including by their own families. There’s still enough stigma attached to being gay that these young men call themselves “homiesexuals” to disavow being regarded as homosexuals. There are undoubtedly also some genuine homosexual boys in Tik Tok and You Tube videos. But the issue here is straight guys acting gay for the sake of gaining a following on social media.

Gen Z has grown up in an social context in which gender fluidity is more acceptable. Boys wouldn’t kiss or hug another boy publicly in the 1980s and 1990s because they would be perceived as gay. Some boys are now more willing to be intimate with other boys and are less worried about being perceived as gay. How far their intimacy on video actually leads is another question. They don’t go the distance. On a 15-second Tik Tok video they only have to lead up to a kiss. They don’t have to get into a passionate embrace. They can touch each other’s pecs or abs to show interest in the other’s bodily development through workouts, but they don’t have to erotically rub their partner’s torso. They go far enough to tease their fans and receive a lot of “likes” or “loves.” For these boys their antics are clickbait. Like Jaden, Bryce, and others, they have attracted thousands if not millions of followers.

Bryce and Jaden kiss. It’s not a very gay kiss. Both boys date girls.

There’s no question that these boys are conveying a softer masculinity. This appeals to the girls, who click their hearts and thumbs-ups and increase the boys’ social media followings. These boys might draw a life lesson from this experience in terms of male-female relationships. Women do like more sensitive men. To the extent these “homiesexual” boys are countering the toxic masculinity that doesn’t show feelings or express vulnerability by demonstrating male intimacy, they are making a positive contribution to cultural change. They’re saying its okay for men to touch and hug and kiss each other.

Some of the denizens of Sway House

The problem is that they make “coming out” as gay look easy, which for real gay boys it isn’t. If this trend of acting gay becomes less trendy, those who are looking for “likes” can back out of it and move in a different direction. Gay and lesbian teens have to live with who they are and navigate the social pitfalls that lie in their path. If the “homiesexual” movement helps make life easier for real homosexuals, well and good. But perhaps some of these talented boys performing on Tik Tok might use their creativity to show in their little skits the difficulties of “coming out,” portray the learning curve of a real gay-straight “bromance” (with humor, of course), or sympathize with the heart-break of some gay relationships.

Pastor Frank Senn    

Sexual Fantasizing

January 13, 2021

I broke up with my girl friend just as the coronavirus hit last year. Our relationship had been deteriorating for a long time and we felt it was time to end it. I felt bad about that but at first I thought I could socialize with my friends. Then as everything shut down I couldn’t get together with my friends. I live alone. I’m able to do most of my job-related work from home on the computer. I spend a lot of time watching TV, prowling the internet, text messaging friends, and playing with myself. I’m lonely, sex-starved, and I have a lot of sexual fantasies. I fall asleep at night fantasizing about having a woman in bed with me and what we might be doing sexually. This feels like making a confession. But you’re a pastor who has addressed a lot of interesting questions. So I thought I would write and ask you about sexual fantasizing. Good or bad?

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Dear lonely sex-starved millennial,

First of all, only you can tell whether you’re lonely and not just alone. There’s a difference. Many people are content to be alone and this pandemic hasn’t affected them as much. It seems that you are more used to a social life and miss it. Perhaps, like a lot of people, you’re feeling isolated. It’s too bad we’ve called maintaining a distance of at least 6 feet from one another “social distancing” instead of “physical distancing.” We’re physically apart while socially together. But now even being socially together is discouraged as we go into a soft lock down to try to mitigate this deadly second surge.

I assume you have family and that you’re in touch with them through social media like FaceTime and Zoom. You indicate that you text with your friends to stay in touch with them even though you can’t meet up with them now in bars and clubs. And undoubtedly you have to check in with your employer or fellow workers. Unfortunately, our human connections will have to be virtual for a while longer.

This includes our sexual relationships. You say you’re “sex-starved.” “Prowling the internet” might mean looking at pornography and maybe dating apps (although you also found my blog site!). This in turn feeds your sexual fantasies. You seem worried about having them. I ask: haven’t you always had them?

We actually live in fantasy worlds most of the time. We’re seldom in the present. We fantasize about the past, how good it was or how it might have been better. We fantasize about the future, what possibilities we look forward to when this pandemic has been overcome. You can fantasize about what sex you would enjoy and who you would enjoy having it with. We all do. It’s good to realize that fantasy isn’t reality. But fantasizing can heighten even solo sex. It puts us into the subjunctive world of “what if “ and takes us momentarily out of the indicative world of “what is.” It gives us some hot hopes to play with instead of cold reality to work through.

A lot of studies have been done on sexual fantasizing. Obviously there is a lot of interest among clinical sexologists in fantasies about deviant sex such a fetishes and sadomasochistic sex such as bondage and rape. But ordinary sexual fantasies deal with having sex with previous partners, other persons we have known in the past, acquaintances we know now (such as among your group of friends), or even celebrities we might meet and nameless people we’ve never met. Fantasies include practices we have experienced and also practices we would like to experience. Married persons even fantasize about what they’d like to do with their marital partner.

Generally, psychologists believe that fantasizing is a healthy mental activity and good for our sex life. Some people claim to watch porn to get ideas about how to spice up their sex life. The psychologist D. Stroller suggests that “sexual fantasies are a private pornography in which we rehearse over and over again needs that are nearly impossible to fulfill in actual sex” [D. Coleman & S. Bush, “The liberation of sexual fantasy,” Psychology Today (1977)]. As such, sexual fantasies are a way of combating sexual dissatisfaction. That would include your apparent dissatisfaction with solo sex (“playing with myself”), since masturbation would be one way to feed your sexual hunger. I suspect that masturbation already accompanies your viewing habits and mental imagination. I suggest that if you jerk off while watching porn, this gives you unexciting orgasms.

Let me fill you in on a little secret I learned from my physical trainer (who has a Master of Science in Applied Physiology) when I attended a couple of workshops on men’s sexual energy that he offered. Your energy goes where your attention is. That includes your sexual energy. If your attention is focused on the computer screen while you masturbate, your sexual energy goes into the screen. Your fantasies are guided by what the screen images furnish. If you forget about the porn and give your attention to your body, by touching and rubbing it all over, and taking your time with ejaculation while you imagine what you would like being done to you, you will have a much more satisfying orgasm.

Here are some suggestions: hold off on masturbating for a day or two or even three. Prepare your body by awakening it physically and sensually. Physically, you can bounce up and down, swinging your arms freely, undulating your pelvis, and bouncing your penis. Vigorous movement will get your blood flowing throughout your body and into your penis.

Then lay down and continue to focus on your body by touching yourself all over (a self-massage) the way you would like to be touched by that woman in your bed: your nipples, pecs, abdomen, pelvis, balls, penis tip, buttocks, anus, thighs, etc. While touching your body try edging: slowly rub your penis with your free hand to the point of ejaculation, then back off, use both hands to rub your body, and return to rubbing your penis again, maybe backing off several times, until you’re ready to explode.

When you’re ready to cum, continue to focus on your body with whatever fantasies come into to mind. We all have sexual fantasies and for the most part they contribute in a positive way to healthy sexuality. They also engage the mind in creative exercises that we can act out even when we are alone as we sexually engage our entire body in the service of our imagination. There’s no reason playing with yourself has to be boring.

Pastor Frank       

1 Comment

  1. Frank Senn
    Comment by post author

    From one of my regular readers — a gay college student — via email:

    Hi Frank,

    I really enjoyed your latest post about the nude roommate and jerking off as I had experienced that before. A couple years ago I lived in the dorm with a roommate in a similar situation. He had gone to a military school where it seemed nudity was basically the norm, because he was not shy about being naked whenever he wanted. He was in incredible shape of course, so it was mesmerizing to me as I was still trying to figure out myself at the time. He also had what would be considered a big penis which, I think, was a part of why he was not shy. (Sorry if that’s TMI, but a true story…) Anyway, he had a girlfriend who went to a different school. They would talk dirty over the phone while he jerked off, and it got to the point where he would openly do it in front of me until we eventually ended up just jerking off together. He didn’t care at all. It was super care free and fun, and the whole time I was fantasizing about him. I can still picture him. Anyway, couldn’t help but relate to that one…

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